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on struggle…

July 25, 2013

“Struggle guides everyone’s life. Struggle leads human beings from untruth to truth, from darkness to light, and from death to immortality. Struggle is everyone’s friend. It is proper to welcome struggle. Its arrival is always auspicious. It is such a noble door that it never asks the recipient to come to it. It goes to the door of the individual, gives whatever it wants to give, gives it privately, and walks away silently. Struggle is a very skillful sculptor. It creates a very beautiful idol from an ugly rock. It changes the sub-human into an ideal human being and transforms an ordinary human being into a deva (human deity) who is respected by the whole world. Struggle is a subtle sculptor who shapes the life of every great master of the world into a unique and unparalleled work of art.” ~ Swami Kripalvanandji on Struggle

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Hollow but maybe sprouting…

July 25, 2013

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I did one of the hardest things yesterday.  It lifted a weight off my shoulders and as much as it feels amazing, it’s left me with a hollow place.  It’s not the confused sad that I have been, but it’s a settling hurt.  It’s a quiet hurt that is there and the universe again gives me little things like music.  This has been playing today.   

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Day 7

July 22, 2013

 

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I have been told it is grief.  Apparently there are these stages that I have to go through.  Today is Monday.  It’s been a week.  Last week at this time I was a total mess.  I feel like I need something to hold on to and stick to that one direction but life doesn’t make it that easy.  I feel torn, trapped and sometimes I have moments of clarity in one direction, sometimes I have clarity in a different direction.  Sometimes I can’t breathe and can’t see through the fog and wonder just how long this will last.  And that has happened a whole lot.  Balancing fighting for love and fighting for myself.  I know I have to fight for myself right now.  Find my happy.  Find me again.  I also have to find it in me to let go of him.  Let him find himself and find a healthy happy place in his life.  I have to find it in myself to get angry at him, but forgive him at the end because that’s the only real way I will be able to let go and keep walking.  I have to trust myself enough to know that I can make the right decisions.  That right now I need to find me and whatever may come after this, I will handle.  I will be strong enough and clear minded enough devoid of swirling emotions in my mind to make the right call.

I’m directing good thoughts at him to find his happy but I am going to actively start looking for mine.

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When its over…

July 18, 2013

 

July 15th.

 

I’m not sure I want to remember that date and its probably a good thing that my memory really sucks.  He always wondered why my memory was so bad, but I’m grateful for it being so bad.

 

It’s the reason when I delete all his numbers, I KNOW I can’t call him or text him because I don’t remember his number.

 

It ended on the 15th of July.  It felt like an out of body experience.  Like I was watching a movie of myself.  For a little bit, I thought “maybe we can get over this”, “Husky is here again and maybe we can work through this”.  But the little voice inside that mum always tells me to listen to said we can’t.  The little voice in my head told me enough is enough.  The eternal relationship question I always ask was answered.  I had to say enough, I had to stop.  Logically I know all this.  My head knows what’s right and who I really am and knows that I am worth more.  My head knows.  My heart not so much.  My heart is way behind and my heart hurts.  It’s an almost physical hurt, like someone punched me in the chest and I can’t even breathe.  It’s the most painful thing I have felt and it’s one of those things that you have to go through alone.  Nobody is with you when night falls and you can’t sleep and all these images and words are all swirling in your head.  When you are throwing up nothing because you haven’t eaten in two days but your whole system feels wrong and toxic.  When you have tears in your eyes the WHOLE day and you just can’t seem to stop them.  It’s a pain I have never felt before.  But my little voice is constantly there.  Reminding me of all the moments that I overlooked.  All the moments that should have told me this isn’t healthy.

 

In a strange, twisted way, it’s almost as if the universe, God, whoever is out there is looking out for me.  When I ignored that little voice, when I ignored my questioning, something drastic had to happen for me to get up and leave.  Because I know, the truth is we fought all the time.  It was getting worse.  I cannot and could not have saved him from himself and I would be a sad miserable person if I was with him.  I am not a sad person.  I don’t like being under grey clouds.  He does and I have to remember it’s ok if he does, I just must not be there.  It’s ok to accept the fact that I deserve more and that I was there with him the best way I knew how but once he crossed that line, that act of betrayal is unforgivable.  

 

It feels like he died.  But he is dead only to me and yet he walks this earth – just a phone call away, just an email away.  Yet I know I can’t call or communicate.  I must let it be.  Leave him be, let myself heal.  It feels like the world should be stopping but it doesn’t.  It feels like all the places we went together – and there are many, should just disappear.  But they are still there and it’s the hardest thing to pass them all everyday.  They all have a memory.  Many of them also have a memory of a fight which isn’t so bad in the scheme of my feelings at the moment.  But my room is my haven.  It’s the one place that seems devoid of memories of him because we never spent time there.  It is my space and is solely me, with my mum coming in to give me chocolates or a hug.  It’s my space with nothing to do with him and for that I am grateful.

 

The universe is busy sending me a new message everyday to make me feel better.  In the strangest ways the universe has sent me reminders about myself that I need to remember.  But my friends and family!  They have been nothing short of AMAZING!!  They have all showered me in love, wine, chocolates and sleeping pills when I really need one, although the latter don’t seem to work.  

 

So right now, my head knows this is right, my heart is slowly catching up!

 

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June 15th again…

June 13, 2013

My birthday is coming up.

I like to take stock when my birthday comes around.  Then I wonder if I’m just doing so to be cool to myself.  Either way, I am.  Cool or not.

So I went to school with this smart, beautiful girl.  We were not like super close friends but she was pretty cool.  She had a younger sister.  I remember a group of us went to the movies one Saturday and her sister had her headphones in, reading a book, sitting on the window sill not talking to anyone but just feeling like she was better than anyone else.  Or so I thought.  The “stuck up” girl that sat on that window sill took her life away about a month ago.  She wasn’t stuck up.  She was struggling.  Funny how the most seemingly confident people are far from confident.

It’s haunted me and I didn’t even know her.  In all the photo’s of her on facebook – she always had the biggest smile on her face and looked like she was the life of every single party!  Those people who always look so happy, you want to be them?  But this world wasn’t for her.  She didn’t want to be here and somehow, if she is in a better place, then heck.  That’s alright.

I have a whole lot to be grateful for.  I sometimes go into bouts of worry about my life, but generally, I’m fine.  I now have a job I really like in an office filled with the most amazing people who know so much – my mind is in heaven.

I have an amazing man in my life.  Sometimes I hyperventilate and wonder if it’s right, if I made the wrong decision but when I think about it, he is my best friend.  Nothing beats having a relationship with your best friend.

My family is settled down.  After a period of time there where everything in my family seemed to be falling apart, it seems to be ok.  It’s not perfect and dreamy, but the funny South African therapist with his strange hair and all the pens in his blazer inside pocket managed to help us fix ourselves.

I have a great group of friends.  Some found in the strangest places – at work.  To her who is the gentlest steadiest friend.  Who took me to my first bikram yoga class.  She is just one of those people your soul decides is your friend and must be your friend despite whatever walls you have up.  There is something very warm about her.

To my other fantastical haired friend who is different and constantly finding herself, she is always there with her laugh and her ability to braid her own hair.  She is always there.

So I’m still haunted by the reader girl, I keep going back to her memorial page and sadness never ceases to wash over me.  But she left a mark on all the people she knew.  I think they are all better people.  I want to do that, be that person that makes people want to LIVE.  To truly live.  So here is to a life of fabulousness, of passion and of meaning.  I choose to be happy.  To do more of the things that make me happy and to truly live.

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An introduction to Husky

June 12, 2013

So for now, this blog is my venting page.  

So I’m going to call his sadness “husky”.  Not sure why husky, but I’m sticking to that.

Husky is one of those dumb ass dogs that is stubborn and doesn’t listen to anyone.  And barks out stupid dumb shit.

Husky doesn’t pick phone’s, hardly replies messages and does weird things and there is NOTHING you are going to do about it because he goes away when he wants to go away and not when you tell him.

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forest paths

June 11, 2013

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We walk.

It’s what we have always done.  The last time we did was after one of the worst 3 weeks in the history of us.  I don’t understand deep dark sadness.  He does.  And when he gets there I don’t know what to do.  I don’t know how to be there because they I need him to be there for him is so very different from how he needs me to be there for him.  He needs silence, he thinks where I share and I need to be in his presence.  He needs his thoughts to form and to make sense in his mind first before he can articulate them.  I articulate as I talk.

We.process.differently.

But this last walk sort of mirrored us.  I walked on the path in the middle of this great green forest and he walked with me.  He walked with me but stopped to tie his shoes, adjust his socks.  He went off the path to take photos of numbers and I had to be a little patient sometimes leaving him behind to do what he was doing but he always caught up, he always was around me.  He walked with me but in a different way.  The silent moments between us on the walk spoke louder than any words could have.  He was always there in the way he knows how.

I just had to wait for him, walk a little slowly sometimes but that’s what happens when we are going over rough patches.  He has to hurry up to catch me sometimes, sometimes I have to remember to slow down.  He knows I am there and I will slow down a bit for him just like he sometimes needs to chase my flutters around.