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Day 7

July 22, 2013

 

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I have been told it is grief.  Apparently there are these stages that I have to go through.  Today is Monday.  It’s been a week.  Last week at this time I was a total mess.  I feel like I need something to hold on to and stick to that one direction but life doesn’t make it that easy.  I feel torn, trapped and sometimes I have moments of clarity in one direction, sometimes I have clarity in a different direction.  Sometimes I can’t breathe and can’t see through the fog and wonder just how long this will last.  And that has happened a whole lot.  Balancing fighting for love and fighting for myself.  I know I have to fight for myself right now.  Find my happy.  Find me again.  I also have to find it in me to let go of him.  Let him find himself and find a healthy happy place in his life.  I have to find it in myself to get angry at him, but forgive him at the end because that’s the only real way I will be able to let go and keep walking.  I have to trust myself enough to know that I can make the right decisions.  That right now I need to find me and whatever may come after this, I will handle.  I will be strong enough and clear minded enough devoid of swirling emotions in my mind to make the right call.

I’m directing good thoughts at him to find his happy but I am going to actively start looking for mine.

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