When its over…

July 18, 2013


July 15th.


I’m not sure I want to remember that date and its probably a good thing that my memory really sucks.  He always wondered why my memory was so bad, but I’m grateful for it being so bad.


It’s the reason when I delete all his numbers, I KNOW I can’t call him or text him because I don’t remember his number.


It ended on the 15th of July.  It felt like an out of body experience.  Like I was watching a movie of myself.  For a little bit, I thought “maybe we can get over this”, “Husky is here again and maybe we can work through this”.  But the little voice inside that mum always tells me to listen to said we can’t.  The little voice in my head told me enough is enough.  The eternal relationship question I always ask was answered.  I had to say enough, I had to stop.  Logically I know all this.  My head knows what’s right and who I really am and knows that I am worth more.  My head knows.  My heart not so much.  My heart is way behind and my heart hurts.  It’s an almost physical hurt, like someone punched me in the chest and I can’t even breathe.  It’s the most painful thing I have felt and it’s one of those things that you have to go through alone.  Nobody is with you when night falls and you can’t sleep and all these images and words are all swirling in your head.  When you are throwing up nothing because you haven’t eaten in two days but your whole system feels wrong and toxic.  When you have tears in your eyes the WHOLE day and you just can’t seem to stop them.  It’s a pain I have never felt before.  But my little voice is constantly there.  Reminding me of all the moments that I overlooked.  All the moments that should have told me this isn’t healthy.


In a strange, twisted way, it’s almost as if the universe, God, whoever is out there is looking out for me.  When I ignored that little voice, when I ignored my questioning, something drastic had to happen for me to get up and leave.  Because I know, the truth is we fought all the time.  It was getting worse.  I cannot and could not have saved him from himself and I would be a sad miserable person if I was with him.  I am not a sad person.  I don’t like being under grey clouds.  He does and I have to remember it’s ok if he does, I just must not be there.  It’s ok to accept the fact that I deserve more and that I was there with him the best way I knew how but once he crossed that line, that act of betrayal is unforgivable.  


It feels like he died.  But he is dead only to me and yet he walks this earth – just a phone call away, just an email away.  Yet I know I can’t call or communicate.  I must let it be.  Leave him be, let myself heal.  It feels like the world should be stopping but it doesn’t.  It feels like all the places we went together – and there are many, should just disappear.  But they are still there and it’s the hardest thing to pass them all everyday.  They all have a memory.  Many of them also have a memory of a fight which isn’t so bad in the scheme of my feelings at the moment.  But my room is my haven.  It’s the one place that seems devoid of memories of him because we never spent time there.  It is my space and is solely me, with my mum coming in to give me chocolates or a hug.  It’s my space with nothing to do with him and for that I am grateful.


The universe is busy sending me a new message everyday to make me feel better.  In the strangest ways the universe has sent me reminders about myself that I need to remember.  But my friends and family!  They have been nothing short of AMAZING!!  They have all showered me in love, wine, chocolates and sleeping pills when I really need one, although the latter don’t seem to work.  


So right now, my head knows this is right, my heart is slowly catching up!



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