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June 15th again…

June 13, 2013

My birthday is coming up.

I like to take stock when my birthday comes around.  Then I wonder if I’m just doing so to be cool to myself.  Either way, I am.  Cool or not.

So I went to school with this smart, beautiful girl.  We were not like super close friends but she was pretty cool.  She had a younger sister.  I remember a group of us went to the movies one Saturday and her sister had her headphones in, reading a book, sitting on the window sill not talking to anyone but just feeling like she was better than anyone else.  Or so I thought.  The “stuck up” girl that sat on that window sill took her life away about a month ago.  She wasn’t stuck up.  She was struggling.  Funny how the most seemingly confident people are far from confident.

It’s haunted me and I didn’t even know her.  In all the photo’s of her on facebook – she always had the biggest smile on her face and looked like she was the life of every single party!  Those people who always look so happy, you want to be them?  But this world wasn’t for her.  She didn’t want to be here and somehow, if she is in a better place, then heck.  That’s alright.

I have a whole lot to be grateful for.  I sometimes go into bouts of worry about my life, but generally, I’m fine.  I now have a job I really like in an office filled with the most amazing people who know so much – my mind is in heaven.

I have an amazing man in my life.  Sometimes I hyperventilate and wonder if it’s right, if I made the wrong decision but when I think about it, he is my best friend.  Nothing beats having a relationship with your best friend.

My family is settled down.  After a period of time there where everything in my family seemed to be falling apart, it seems to be ok.  It’s not perfect and dreamy, but the funny South African therapist with his strange hair and all the pens in his blazer inside pocket managed to help us fix ourselves.

I have a great group of friends.  Some found in the strangest places – at work.  To her who is the gentlest steadiest friend.  Who took me to my first bikram yoga class.  She is just one of those people your soul decides is your friend and must be your friend despite whatever walls you have up.  There is something very warm about her.

To my other fantastical haired friend who is different and constantly finding herself, she is always there with her laugh and her ability to braid her own hair.  She is always there.

So I’m still haunted by the reader girl, I keep going back to her memorial page and sadness never ceases to wash over me.  But she left a mark on all the people she knew.  I think they are all better people.  I want to do that, be that person that makes people want to LIVE.  To truly live.  So here is to a life of fabulousness, of passion and of meaning.  I choose to be happy.  To do more of the things that make me happy and to truly live.

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One comment

  1. We will make it out of this town. (your fantastical haired friend says so.)



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