I want…rambles

I love this photo….it’s one of my favorites, don’t know who took it, but they captured such a great moment. The innocence of childhood….just laughing away…it’s gorgeous!

Innocence…something that seems to disappear as you get older. Did I mention alcohol being a bad thing! Yes it is! Especially pink alcohol that is refered to as a homemade cocktail…memories or lack of, of Friday night…but no, I didn’t really do anything amazingly horrible and I woke up in my own bed alone…so that was a good sign! You know how you think your life sucks….I used to think that…till I watched apocalypto! – my life is a bed of roses! Well in comparison to that. See I’m still on this “I couldn’t really care about relationships right now”…and I realised it’s valentines day this week sometime. Well ok!…blank face comes on. And people say people who are bitter about valentines day are that way coz they don’t have anybody…not really actually! I just really could not be bothered. Maybe that will change in a few months of being on the bila’s train, but for now, I’m fine.

Then I’ve been reading the Zahir by my favorite author Paulo Coehlo. I’ve been reading it for forever because I like to read it in the bath tub…it’s my bathtub book. Something to get my attention off my visible veins. They just bug the living daylights out of me…in a hot tub I can see the veins in my arms and my feet and it’s just creepy. Anyway…as I get derailed here…So there is this part in the book that tells us how in short society defines who we are…and I agree. We get stuck studying something that we really don’t like, but then again I’m not going to do pottery for my degree…you need to make a living right? So you do one of the boring things that will ensure that you actually do get somewhere in life. You finish, after learning a bunch of stuff you may never ever use again…trigonometry anyone?

Then you get into the rat race. Get a job, get settled and you just fit in with everyone else. Drive certain cars at certain points your life and your career. Get married, have a circle of friends. Have kids, have kids birthday parties that are really your parties coz they go on way after the kids are in bed. And you work, to ensure everything is fine and that you have a nice retirement package to your name. And your dreams die. You just let go of the super person that you wanted to be. You trade it off for security and normality. And you couldn’t care about saving the world anymore. You just want to pay off the mortgage. That scares me. I don’t want to be that person. But then again I don’t want to be this hippie chick living in the trees and being at one with her surroundings in a commune. Thats just not my cup of tea. I want to save the world, have some security and be me all at the same time. But how on earth do you do that? How do you take a risk and be safe at the same time? I just want to laugh like the little boy in the picture. Thats what I want to do. I don’t want to have to look for this “right person”. Because looking seems wrong. It’ll happen, we’ll meet if we were meant to.

I don’t want to have to wear a power suit everyday and walk around in heels to some high power office job. I can’t walk in heels! I want to live in a thatch house but still have broadband. I want to drive an old model landcruiser but still have a really hot music system in there. I just want to be me, in a world that doesn’t let too many people do that. And I think I have rambled too much, I feel a wave of sleep coming over me, so I best get myself into bed….