We are just different. And maybe after all the drama I was used to, I was just grateful for some silence, some quiet. The absence of war doesn’t necessarily mean peace. Maybe I didn’t look close enough at the differences like I should have and just settled in this space of not quit there but meh… I guess it’s ok. When I started to tell myself that maybe this is how it is. People are different and it should be ok. I didn’t think that I didn’t tell him everything in my mind and in my heart. That sometimes putting on a smile was something I learnt to just do without really meaning it. Maybe I didn’t really look into those moments of panic when I was with him. Those moments I knew this isn’t how it should be, but let him hold me in the night and so I told myself it was ok. When I couldn’t really reach him and I didn’t try too hard to. The many many times I asked him if he really thought we would be ok because we were just so very different. When I tried to think of the future and all I could think of was silence and different lives in the same house. When I told myself just because it wasn’t earth shattering emotion, we just skipped some steps because we were meant to be like this. I can’t believe I told myself that because it is supposed to be earth shattering! There shouldn’t be awkward silences in car rides to places. There shouldn’t be awkward – reach for my phone silences in restaurants. Because love should be endless conversations and not wanting to fall asleep because you don’t want to miss out on being awake with them. It should be wanting to spend every breathing moment with them. It wasn’t that. It shouldn’t be that online conversations are so much better than in person conversations and maybe I will miss the “good morning baby” and all the nice things he said in my inboxes but there isn’t much to remember by way of what he actually did. Maybe I don’t want to be with the smoker who does nothing but work, watch football and movies on hangover Sundays because that’s what Sundays is about – hangovers. Maybe I want to be with someone who sweeps me off my feet and butterflies are the only things I can feel on my walking on air days. There were no butterflies really. There was placidness, there was silence. There was disquiet and there was the nagging voice saying maybe this shouldn’t be this way and there was me trying not to listen to that voice. I want to miss him. I really do, but I don’t really. I don’t know why I am sad, maybe it’s just for the loss of something, but it’s not that – I can’t breathe type of sadness. Or maybe it’s because I know I settled for so long and I wonder if I will ever find someone I can spend endless hours talking to and not settling for someone just because he is there. It has to be mad passionate love they say, because life is too short for mediocre love. That little voice that kept nudging me saying something is wrong is always right. I should listen more to my little voice.
1. You have fallen in love with the wrong person again.
2. Remember that he is the cage and you are the animal. He is your failing grace and the freckle on your eyelid. A blemish on otherwise flawless skin. Smooth out your skirt and do not look at him.
3. When he calls, do not answer. When he texts, do not answer. Somewhere out there is The One, and you will miss him if you’re too busy lusting after the pulse of a man who doesn’t even worry when he hears that you’ve been crushed under the pressure of living.
4. Somewhere out there is a man willing to swallow your sadness whole. A man who would sew flower seeds into your front yard, plant a garden down your spine and speak galaxies to you.
5. You’ve hung his name up in lights on the red carpet in your mind. Take the sign down. Let it rust in the back alley of your gut.
6. List his faults in alphabetical order: Anger issues, bad posture, crooked teeth, dangerous, emotionally fragile, fake, greedy, helpless, like a child –
7. Remember what you told your mom? The last thing you need now is a child.
8. If he makes you cry more often than he makes you laugh, do not let him back into your bed.
9. Some day you will both be dead, and you are wasting your time now. Rip the letters he wrote you to shreds and flush the remainders down the toilet.
10. Braid bravery in between the lines of your poems. You are not the weak girl he fell for years ago. Remember: he doesn’t love you. Unglue your heart from his and move on.
Don’t marinate in your sadness. You are not a steak. You are a person; you’re irreplaceable. Open yourself up to contentment. Bathe in the rivers of Glee. Go for hikes with Satisfaction. Sleep in a warm cocoon of blankets with Bliss. Let endless happiness overcome your hopeless sadness. You deserve to be happy. If life is a game and you are the referee, be biased for once and let happiness win.
a star is still a star
But we need to remember, when the shadows lengthen and the nights grow ever longer, that we bring our own light into the darkness. That even when it burns out, a star is still a star. And you are still you. And your light is as true and as necessary and as ever present as the North Star that still guides the sailors home.
I was told it’s like uprooting a big grand mugumo tree. It feels like it’s coming up little by little. The ground around me is a mess. But it has to be a mess. Nobody else can help me do the uprooting. They all said time makes it easier. It does. It doesn’t just disappear, but every day, I find a remember something new. Remember myself and my worth and the fact that I’m better than some of those moments. When I speak to him and he says stupid things like he wants to be who he was 6 years ago. My soul says no. No I will not be with a person that weak. It hurts and hurts to come to terms with the fact that I loved him, still love him and it’s unhealthy. It’s taken it’s toll and is still taking it’s toll. There is an internal struggle in me because I know I deserve so much more and yet he makes me week and my heart wants to be with him. But they say clean cuts work best. Making a clean break. Just cut him out. It doesn’t make it easier when I bump into his mother at the shopping mall. So here is to a little faith that it all works out in the end somehow.
“It takes a lot more courage to let something go than it does to hang on to it, trying to make it better. Letting go doesn’t mean ignoring a situation. Letting go means accepting what is, exactly as it is, without fear, resistance, or a struggle for control. Letting go means standing still and letting the world, or a piece of it, crumble at your feet while saying to yourself, “Mmmm, that’s interesting!”
“Struggle guides everyone’s life. Struggle leads human beings from untruth to truth, from darkness to light, and from death to immortality. Struggle is everyone’s friend. It is proper to welcome struggle. Its arrival is always auspicious. It is such a noble door that it never asks the recipient to come to it. It goes to the door of the individual, gives whatever it wants to give, gives it privately, and walks away silently. Struggle is a very skillful sculptor. It creates a very beautiful idol from an ugly rock. It changes the sub-human into an ideal human being and transforms an ordinary human being into a deva (human deity) who is respected by the whole world. Struggle is a subtle sculptor who shapes the life of every great master of the world into a unique and unparalleled work of art.” ~ Swami Kripalvanandji on Struggle