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“Most events are unsayable, (they) occur in a space no word has ever penetrated…” Rilke

November 24, 2014

Dear Crystal,

It hurts. Nobody ever told you that a broken heart could literally physically hurt. You gave this thing called love the best of you. You gave so much, you forgot to take care of you. You were caught up so deep you couldn’t hear the little voice any more.  They talk about people losing themselves – it’s not just a thing they say in movies and books – you actually did lose yourself.

I know it feels like the ground underneath you suddenly isn’t there. All the things you knew to be true suddenly were gone and not only are they not true, but they don’t exist. You don’t even know how to put that into words, how to articulate it. You know they say to take it a day at a time. It feels like you can only take it a breath at a time because that’s all you can do – try and breath because even that is seems like the hardest thing to do – forget getting up in the morning, getting dressed and face the world. All you want is the world to stop. Just stop for a bit so you can lay down because trying to catch up with the world is proving impossible.

But it gets better. It’s a breath at a time today then a moment at a time, an hour at a time, a morning at a time, a day at a time, a week at a time and you get to a point where you are laughing with your family in the ocean on holiday and it’s a little shocking because you thought you would never laugh again. But you do – you laugh again. And you are showered with love from your family and it still hurts, but you can smile and laugh and sing in the shower and not think about it for a little while.IMAG0628

You will slowly realise you are the most important thing and you always come first and it’s ok to come first. You will remember to listen to the little voice your mother always tells you about. You will learn to trust it more and even when it comes in the form of an unsettling feeling somewhere deep down, you will listen because that little voice is looking out for you. You will learn to trust that the universe is looking out for you and there is always a reason for things to happen. You will learn that even if it feels like insurmountable pain and hurt of epic proportions, the universe will always find a way to make it better.

Remember you have always wanted to go to that place with the beautiful lake?

Well randomly, the stars align to give you a trip there. The universe is always good to you and looking out for you. The most amazing friends IMAG0590will be delivered to you as well and you will always be showered in love.

So trust the journey. Self awareness is a total nightmare sometimes, but you must always always be conscious of yourself and actually actively live and navigate through life without just floating through it unconsciously. Because that’s what life is about – living and not drifting.

In love and light always,

You

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when it’s over

September 11, 2014

We are just different.  And maybe after all the drama I was used to, I was just grateful for some silence, some quiet.  The absence of war doesn’t necessarily mean peace.  Maybe I didn’t look close enough at the differences like I should have and just settled in this space of not quit there but meh… I guess it’s ok.  When I started to tell myself that maybe this is how it is.  People are different and it should be ok.  I didn’t think that I didn’t tell him everything in my mind and in my heart.  That sometimes putting on a smile was something I learnt to just do without really meaning it.  Maybe I didn’t really look into those moments of panic when I was with him.  Those moments I knew this isn’t how it should be, but let him hold me in the night and so I told myself it was ok.  When I couldn’t really reach him and I didn’t try too hard to.  The many many times I asked him if he really thought we would be ok because we were just so very different.  When I tried to think of the future and all I could think of was silence and different lives in the same house.  When I told myself just because it wasn’t earth shattering emotion, we just skipped some steps because we were meant to be like this.  I can’t believe I told myself that because it is supposed to be earth shattering!  There shouldn’t be awkward silences in car rides to places.  There shouldn’t be awkward – reach for my phone silences in restaurants.  Because love should be endless conversations and not wanting to fall asleep because you don’t want to miss out on being awake with them.  It should be wanting to spend every breathing moment with them.  It wasn’t that.  It shouldn’t be that online conversations are so much better than in person conversations and maybe I will miss the “good morning baby” and all the nice things he said in my inboxes but there isn’t much to remember by way of what he actually did.  Maybe I don’t want to be with the smoker who does nothing but work, watch football and movies on hangover Sundays because that’s what Sundays is about – hangovers.  Maybe I want to be with someone who sweeps me off my feet and butterflies are the only things I can feel on my walking on air days.  There were no butterflies really.  There was placidness, there was silence.  There was disquiet and there was the nagging voice saying maybe this shouldn’t be this way and there was me trying not to listen to that voice.  I want to miss him.  I really do, but I don’t really.  I don’t know why I am sad, maybe it’s just for the loss of something, but it’s not that – I can’t breathe type of sadness.  Or maybe it’s because I know I settled for so long and I wonder if I will ever find someone I can spend endless hours talking to and not settling for someone just because he is there.  It has to be mad passionate love they say, because life is too short for mediocre love.  That little voice that kept nudging me saying something is wrong is always right.  I should listen more to my little voice.  

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1. You have fallen in love with the wrong person

July 31, 2013

1. You have fallen in love with the wrong person again.

2. Remember that he is the cage and you are the animal. He is your failing grace and the freckle on your eyelid. A blemish on otherwise flawless skin. Smooth out your skirt and do not look at him.

3. When he calls, do not answer. When he texts, do not answer. Somewhere out there is The One, and you will miss him if you’re too busy lusting after the pulse of a man who doesn’t even worry when he hears that you’ve been crushed under the pressure of living.

4. Somewhere out there is a man willing to swallow your sadness whole. A man who would sew flower seeds into your front yard, plant a garden down your spine and speak galaxies to you.

5. You’ve hung his name up in lights on the red carpet in your mind. Take the sign down. Let it rust in the back alley of your gut.

6. List his faults in alphabetical order: Anger issues, bad posture, crooked teeth, dangerous, emotionally fragile, fake, greedy, helpless, like a child –

7. Remember what you told your mom? The last thing you need now is a child.

8. If he makes you cry more often than he makes you laugh, do not let him back into your bed.

9. Some day you will both be dead, and you are wasting your time now. Rip the letters he wrote you to shreds and flush the remainders down the toilet.

10. Braid bravery in between the lines of your poems. You are not the weak girl he fell for years ago. Remember: he doesn’t love you. Unglue your heart from his and move on.

~ via http://allmymetaphors.tumblr.com/

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Don’t marinate …

July 31, 2013

Don’t marinate in your sadness. You are not a steak. You are a person; you’re irreplaceable. Open yourself up to contentment. Bathe in the rivers of Glee. Go for hikes with Satisfaction. Sleep in a warm cocoon of blankets with Bliss. Let endless happiness overcome your hopeless sadness. You deserve to be happy. If life is a game and you are the referee, be biased for once and let happiness win.

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a star is still…

July 30, 2013

a star is still a star

But we need to remember, when the shadows lengthen and the nights grow ever longer, that we bring our own light into the darkness. That even when it burns out, a star is still a star. And you are still you. And your light is as true and as necessary and as ever present as the North Star that still guides the sailors home.

So do me a favor, love. Know this. No matter how dark the night may get, your light will never burn out.

 

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The one who cares less

July 29, 2013

The one who cares less

“So get out while you can and start giving a shit; and if your heart breaks, let it break. Because it’ll be okay. You will be okay.”

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Two Weeks!

July 29, 2013

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I was told it’s like uprooting a big grand mugumo tree.  It feels like it’s coming up little by little.  The ground around me is a mess.  But it has to be a mess.  Nobody else can help me do the uprooting.  They all said time makes it easier.  It does.  It doesn’t just disappear, but every day, I find a remember something new.  Remember myself and my worth and the fact that I’m better than some of those moments.  When I speak to him and he says stupid things like he wants to be who he was 6 years ago.  My soul says no.  No I will not be with a person that weak.  It hurts and hurts to come to terms with the fact that I loved him, still love him and it’s unhealthy.  It’s taken it’s toll and is still taking it’s toll.  There is an internal struggle in me because I know I deserve so much more and yet he makes me week and my heart wants to be with him.  But they say clean cuts work best.  Making a clean break.  Just cut him out.  It doesn’t make it easier when I bump into his mother at the shopping mall.  So here is to a little faith that it all works out in the end somehow.

 

“It takes a lot more courage to let something go than it does to hang on to it, trying to make it better. Letting go doesn’t mean ignoring a situation. Letting go means accepting what is, exactly as it is, without fear, resistance, or a struggle for control. Letting go means standing still and letting the world, or a piece of it, crumble at your feet while saying to yourself, “Mmmm, that’s interesting!”

~Iyanla Vanzant

 

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