He doesnt say what I need for him to say.
It’s been a while – a long while! And a whole lot has happened and been felt since my snow peas moment. Well, I finally graduated! Can someone say amen to no more mundane business studies!!! It’s all over!!! Got back home…working with what I now term as “bundus and drama inc”…lets call it B&D shall we? Had some emotional run ins as well. So where to start? B&D has me going to interesting places – North Eastern, down in southern Kenya where the elephants roam…enough baby elephants to satisfy my “aaaaw baby elies are soooo cute” phase! I have also been trying to figure out why it is that I feel cold in this Nairobi “winter”…after living in temperatures that can drop to 30 degrees below zero. It’s a very strange phenomenon. People I know have had babies, others have moved in together…others…have gotten married sans telling people they did, thus leaving the masses hearing it at random places eg petrol stations!! You can tell I was stupefied by the whole thing! So on to my ever so complicated state of matters of the heart. The fruit – lets call him the fruit for reasons only I know! The fruit is an entity I’m still trying to understand. I have now come to the very clear conclusion that fruits and kipepeo’s…well they don’t do too well together. Having said that, I feel completely horrible after a night out that included waaaaay too many drinks…I just may have led him on. I am still trying to figure out a way to disentangle myself from that little mess I successfully created for myself! The there is mr. too long who I shall now call TL. TL…hmm…TL has me contemplating being a not so nice and using him for the simple reason – its easy to do so. I know, I know, I know – that is sooo not nice, but I’m going through a phase here. (Note how I always have a “phase” as an excuse for stuff going on!). Then there is him…the cloud!! Now this! This one I don’t even know how to start dealing with because…well because its merely impossible to understand just HOW I managed to get my usually normal self into this perfectly confuddled state of affairs. Last year saw me taking a vow of non involvement. It was great! I found me, I grew into me, and all the other self revelations that I made. It’s the same thing the cloud is on. Which is fine really…from an onlookers view a la…oh, you’re vowing too? I did that last year…enjoy it and learn from it! It’s not quite the same when this person becomes “your person”. So much so that you want to tell him everything and you want him to tell you everything. It’s also not quite the same when said “person” is in a different continent which shall be the same continent in a few months although in different countries, but still…the same continent nevertheless. Worst is that you know the vow taking thing is a brilliant idea. But you also wish he didn’t take the damn vow! But then that would have meant you probably would not have known him for who he is without all the different undertones that usually happen when to people are getting to know each other (confuse? Welcome to my world!). Then there is this…you are no longer on said vow but feel like you are because you and the cloud have created this perfect little imaginary world that keeps the both of you happy but in all honesty, it not a reality! All this means that you are left in a state where – yes there are flutters. But these flutters should not be and will not amount to anything at least not when vows are in the picture. But the cloud is such and amazing person!!!! Amazing in the type of way that he writes me letters! Not emails, not facebook messages….LETTERS!! With stamps and on sheets of paper! In his own handwriting (at this point it would be good to note how much a “it’s the small things” person I am!….the letter aspect had me swooning!!) So thus my predicament and my current state of zombie confusion! Writing this, as much as it may not be very well understood by people of normal brain activity has been a tad bit therapeutic and thus shall be done again. My blogging restarts henceforth….
I like snow peas strangely enough! I hated them while I was growing up…but I have fallen in love with them recently and its strange and uncanny.
Right, other than my sudden love for snow peas, miss Kipepeo here has been quite busy – thus the not blogging too much. Well, I finally presented my thesis, did my maturity test and now just waiting for my graduation date to come round. With my excitement of actually finally finishing, a sense of impending doom has been creeping up on me. Quarter life crisis hello….So I find myself asking myself a gazillion questions….the biggest one being….so what next? See with globalisation, the world is that much smaller and I would basically be able to go anywhere. But where and how? And do I want to do my masters straight away or do I want to have a school break first. If I do take a break, who’s going to hire me. And if I get hired, hello!! I have a degree so it better not be some job busting tables or anything like that. But then who’s going to give me a decent job with just one degree….and the endless questions go on and on and on like an annoying energizer bunny. So as I took a break from asking myself all these questions, my girlfriends and I were in the super market. I was carrying a packet of tomato soup and trying to decide whether I wanted to buy ham or salami to go with my rice cakes. When the head of international….uhm…..something? Don’t really know what exactly came up to me. He explained that the Finnish minister of migration and european affairs was coming to give a talk at our uni about the whole international students and jobs etc and he would like for me to say a few words after that. So being me, ofcourse I agreed. So that was what I was up to today.
So there are alot of things to talk about when you think about international students in Finland and the whole work thing. So firstly they are talking about increasing the number of hours international students can work…thats all well and good, but there are no jobs for international students so even if they did increase them, it really doesn’t make a difference. Then what is really interesting for me…the Finnish government has highly subsidized education for all including the international students – when I say highly, I mean completely!! I don’t know how they can afford it. Of course you pay in other ways but thats not the point I’m trying to make. So they do this, and they offer some english programmes, albeit they are not too many, but the number of programmes being offered in english is growing. So you get your Finnish degree which is something as they are high up there in education rankings. Then, because you can’t find a job here in Finland, you take your amazing Finnish degree and leave and take your knowledge to another place. You can’t find a job because of the language. Now finnish is like no other language. It’s related to nothing but maybe Hungarian. The population of Finland is 5 million and no other country speaks their language. Ask me to learn French or Spanish and thats a different story. But Finnish??? I doubt it. And many more like me don’t bother to learn the language. Then the country realises – oh sh**, we’re going to have a huge problem with the workforce because we just don’t have enough babies being born. There are 400,000 people leaving the workforce due to retirement than there are young people getting into the workforce. Thats a big number for a country with such a small population. So now they are thinking about outsourcing workers. Then I ask. You educate all these people to your standards, they know your system are used to living here, then you literally kick them out because they can’t find jobs and you turn around and go looking for people to work? I don’t know, but that doesn’t make too much sense to me. So this lady spoke and said how the key is in language. Now there are many reasons why people come to Finland. A big one is love. You meet a Finnish person, fall in love and move to Finland. Of course you have to learn the language. You chose that life and have to fit in. But for me a student its different. My degree is in english, you decided to give you tax money for the purpose of educating me, hey good for me. If I can’t find a job, I don’t need to stay. I just take my degree and leave. Simple. But I guess the world isn’t that simple and isn’t all black and white – its all about the greys in between….
I switch on and off. Thats what he says at least. Worst thing is…I know he’s probably right. He knows me like the back of his hand and so I can’t pull my ambiguous card on him. He knows every time we get into a tense situation and I say “whatever” it means I feel threatened or feel like I’ll get hurt if I keep going on that road. He knows that my jokes and making light moments out of not so light moments are just my way of diffusing a situation and not having to think about or deal with issues. I don’t know why I don’t let him take care of me. I guess I’m just used to taking care of myself. I do let him sometimes. I find myself letting go to him and letting myself be that vulnerable person that I try so hard not to be. But just as I find myself letting go, I grab a hold of things again. It feels like walking across a suspended pole or one of those rickety bridges. I feel a bit unsure of myself as I let go. Thing is, I know I should try not be. I know I can trust him. I know I should. But it’s alot easier said than done.
And why is it that I always like people who are on the other side of the universe from me? Seriously!! I’m beginning to think its my ineptitude to be in a relationship with someone who is right there with me. But this one….this one stings, burns and any other synonym you can fit in there. It does so because I want to come home to him. I want to learn the boring game of golf because he likes it so much and I would love to walk around a green chasing a little ball because I would be doing it with him. He knows just how to make me laugh from so far away when I’ve got the flu. I want to take care of him when he has the flu even though like most men, he thinks he’s this big strong he-man that doesn’t need taking care of. I know he likes it when I do. I want to go walking into town with him because we like the same things. He knows I’m not the girlie girl type and I’m fine in my slacks, vans and a tee even on a night out and he’s cool with that. I want to smell him around me every day because he has that yummy smell that belongs to just him. I want to have our silly arguments because he knows I’m competitive and understands my jokes and I get his and we have fun together being competitive. I want to wake up to him and not just him on my wall.
I don’t really know what it is that we have right now…it’s sort of hanging in the “unknown” right now. I still feel like we are but we both know we’re free to mingle, but we can’t and so it’s complex and …. oh I don’t know…set a butterfly free etc I keep repeating to myself!
Ok, so I shall fulfill my tagging duties as set by her. I will be sure to tag you too soon enough lol. So first thing’s first…lay out the rules…which are….drumroll please…
Link to the person that tagged you. - Post the rules on your blog. - Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself. - Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs. - Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website
So there you have it. I have a feeling I’ve done this tag before but I couldn’t be bothered to look for that post so I’ll just do it again and hey who knows? Maybe my quirks have changed….
1. I doodle flowers, butterflies and names when I’m bored.
2. Hi my name is Kipepeo and I’m addicted to juice.
3. I just can’t get myself to wear rings on my pinky…it just feels so strange
4. I love trying on gloves in shops…it’s therapeutic.
5. I always sleep with one leg out of the covers. So one in and one out. I have convinced myself it’s me finding balance!
6. I hate feet. You know when you’re in bed with someone and they see it fit to rub feet? I can’t stand it!!!
So who do I tag? Hmm….lets see…. well spice, maybe this will get her blogging again, angry somali man just because I like his writing and he’s been M.I.A for a while, movie buff , mustard seed, uhm…who else… my big sister mutumia and Jim Chuchu because I want to be his intern and maybe this will give me brownie points and maybe we can get to know the man behind the art!!
So question. When do you draw the line between doing the right thing and being a good friend and how do you find middle ground? When someone close to you does something and you know its wrong. Should you defend them knowing its wrong? And does this wrong thing they did all of a sudden become right because – hey, they are you friend after all! And the person they are wronging….do you become this evil person if you are a shoulder to cry on for them? Not that you took their side or helped them hate this person more. But you just listened because they didn’t have anyone to listen to at that point in time and you know you would have needed a shoulder if you were in that same position. So does that make you this evil person because you do what you think is human and moral? I don’t seem to think so. And when a person knows deep down that they messed up. They simply messed up, the tables were turned and they were caught with their hand in the cookie jar. I think at that point is when you need to take time out to reflect just a little bit on who you are and what’s going on. Maybe not spend so much time looking for who you can blame and trying to shift issues.